I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
