let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
