you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
