I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
