remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
