If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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