I accidentally had phone sex last night
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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