hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
