The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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