I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He better not be in your backpack
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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