I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
