I think I died a long time ago.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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