So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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