Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
