he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
