I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
