Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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