Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
