Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
