I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
