Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
