I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
