Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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