just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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