hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
