sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
