I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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