I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
