ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
