we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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