my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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