After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
