I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
