We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
