just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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