Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
