Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
