does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
