it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Randomize
