im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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