the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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