I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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