A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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