You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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