I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
