The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
