im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
