finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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