So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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