So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
