You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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