It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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