dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
