please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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