i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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