my room smells like sperm. sweet.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
