I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
