Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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