My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
