feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
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Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
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It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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